The Count of Monte Crisco Tee
Precision satire rendered in archival typography.
A wearable citation against unchecked power.
Printed to order. Ships in 3–5 business days.
Easy replacements for defects.
No crowns. No bloodlines. No divine right—just crumbs.
The Count of Monte Crisco is a grotesque portrait of power that mistakes indulgence for authority and tantrums for rule. Seated like a king, roaring like a tyrant, clutching wine and fried chicken as if they were regalia, this figure isn’t sovereign—he’s feral.
Above him, NO KINGS drips like a verdict, not a slogan. Below him, history is reduced to parody: Lincoln decapitated, institutions hollowed out, the throne propped up by excess and grievance instead of legitimacy.
This isn’t monarchy reborn.
It’s entitlement exposed.
The joke lands because it’s uncomfortable:
Power dressed in ceremony but driven by appetite.
Revolutionary language hijacked by someone who only understands consumption.
Authority that demands loyalty while offering nothing but spectacle.
Wear it as a refusal.
Wear it as a reminder.
Wear it because some men want crowns—but deserve crumbs.
The Count of Monte Crisco
No kings. Ever.
Fabrication: Solid colors are made from 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton; Ash color is 99% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester; Heather colors are 52% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester; Athletic Heather and Black Heather are 90% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester.
Size guide
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
| A) Length (cm) | 71.1 | 73.7 | 76.2 | 78.7 | 81.3 | 83.8 | 85 | 88.8 | |
| B) Width (cm) | -0.2 | 91.4 | 101.6 | 111.8 | 122 | 132 | 142.2 | 152 | 162.6 |
| B) Half Chest (cm) | 45.7 | 50.8 | 55.9 | 61 | 66 | 71.1 | 76 | 81.3 |
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
| A) Length (inches) | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 33.5 | 35 | |
| B) Width (inches) | -0.1 | 36 | 40 | 44 | 48 | 52 | 56 | 59.8 | 64 |
| B) Half Chest (inches) | 18 | 20 | 22 | 24 | 26 | 28 | 29.9 | 32 |
Care Instructions
| General | A top-choice garment known for its softness, durability, and compatibility with DTG printing, making it a favorite in both retail and promotional markets |
| Wash | Maintain the tee's quality by washing it in cold water, which helps preserve the fabric and the vibrancy of the print |
| Dry | Tumble dry on a low setting or hang dry to retain the shape and size of the tee post-wash |
| Store | Store in a cool, dry place away from direct sunlight to maintain the integrity of the fabric and colors. |